Does commitment phobia really exist?

[Admin]

A recent article on the Best Daily website suggested that TOWIE’s Chloe Sims may have what people are calling a commitment phobia. You can read the full article here:-

http://www.bestdaily.co.uk/television/news/a638893/does-towies-chloe-have-commitment-phobia.html

We would be interested to learn whether you believe there is such a thing as commitment phobia?

When you look at phobias in the cold light of day, they are all related to an irrational fear so in theory could someone be feared of commitment? Or is this just another publicity stunt by a TV star?

 

[kelbel]

I think someone can come across as having a fear of commitment but it's not really because they have a fear of committing to that one person, it's usually an underlying issue of not wanting to get hurt, or perhaps in Chloe's case (as an avid watcher of Towie myself!) she's not totally sure whether he's right for her. So it's just a label people can stick on because they don't want to open up about underlying issues.

 

[Maisiee]

I personally believe i have commitment phobia, it's not something where you think 'oh i just don't want a relationship'. I'd love nothing more than be able to commit myself to someone but the anxiousness and fear being close to someone you care about is unbearable and upsetting, you ultimately push them away when that is not what you want. It's a constant battle. It's definitely an underlying issue like you mentioned kelbel, but it's very difficult to solve the issue of why you react like that. I'm currently having therapy to try fix my way of thinking. I'm 21 now and have never been able to hack a relationship even with the nicest of guys, but i don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

 

[Admin]

Hi Maisiee

First of all welcome to the forum - we hope that you find it helpful and informative as we continue to grow.

I think you are one of many people who suffer from similar issues and without going into too much personal detail, what do you think brought on your phobia of commitment? Is there one event or perhaps one relationship that planted the seed which eventually turned into a phobia of relationships?

Regards,

Mark

 

[Maisiee]

Hi Mark,

There are lots of events from my childhood that could have caused it or contributed to it. My parents divorced when i was 11 but still lived together for a year and that was a lot to go through. My father remarried quickly after to a woman who was a manic depressive and she couldn't accept me or my brother and then they divorced also. I never had a very close relationship with my father he often shouted at me because my step mother said my behavior was inappropriate etc.

I've always had this problem so i believe it was caused in childhood, however i can't pin point a certain event that caused it because the stress was ongoing throughout my childhood.

It's nice to see a forum where people can share their experiences.

Laura

 

[Admin]

Laura I totally agree with your comments - a lot of our phobias do come from childhood. I will give you an example of one of my phobias and how it materialised from nowhere.

When I was younger we had a light in our bathroom which had an inbuilt heater - you pulled the chord once to put the light on and twice to put the heater on. One night I forgot to pull the chord that extra time and left the heater burning all night. It was quite expensive so my mam was not happy the next day - since then I have had a real phobia of lights and checking numerous times to see they are off. Bizarre but true!

I find it very therapeutic to talk about these things in the open - things I have bottled up for years.

Regards,


Mark

 

[kelbel]

Welcome to the forum Laura

I think our adult relationships are often (subconsiously) based on those we saw around us as a child. I am lucky in that my parents had a great relationship, but it was still an anxious household to live in as my older brother had loads of behavioural problems which has definitely affected my anxiety.

With relationships, I think many of us (myself included in this) can take a while to 'let our guard down' which might come across at commitment phobic. Ultimately, (with a few years of dating behind me lol) I genuinely believe things work out with the right person. I like to trust fate in these circumstances, because if you believe even the tough times happen for a reason then it puts a positive spin on anything.

 

[S0ph13]

Hi All,

Maisie, I am also 21 and feel incredibly similar to the way you described - I do desperately want a loving relationship but I alienate myself from people for fear of being vulnerable. There are events I can pinpoint but also ones I can't and that is actually what I struggle with more.

There is something about not knowing an exact reason that in my mind, makes it more difficult to heal - I feel like I need a starting point?

I'm sure that once I allow myself to let my guard down and go on a few dates as kelbel suggested things will become easier And I hope the same goes for you

-Sophie

 

[kelbel]

The best thing I ever did was online dating - it totally changes your outlook and insecurities on meeting people! The first online date i had i was soooo nervous. So nervous in fact that i don't think i was myself at all for the entire evening. But a few dates in, meeting someone new was fun, not daunting, and the trick was to not expect anything. With no expectations of finding 'the one' i used to approach going on dates as having a fun evening, making a new social circle and perhaps meeting someone I clicked with. It only took me about 20 dates but I did find Mr Right! lol (been together 18 months now and going good ). Although my boyfriend would tell you that i didn't believe a positive thing that came out of his mouth until about 3-4 months into the relationship - I just took everything he said with a pinch of salt and kept my walls well and truly up. That could have made me come across as committment-phobic, but in reailty, it was just me being guarded (and he turned out to be a keeper!).

 

[Mark]

I am not sure if there is such a thing as commitment phobia - I think our views on relationship are in many ways moulded by experiences in the past (maybe even involving watching our parents from a young age). If you have had bad experiences it will take a long time to let you guard down.

 

[Jade]

I think it’s a real thing. I found this article online that explains it more:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/01/08/what-is-commitment-phobia-relationship-anxiety/