Hi room, I am writing this post as i am very concerned about my brother he is 31 and scared to leave home due to anxiety which he can not be around people for long as it makes him panicy and think everyone is laughing at him, this is not very nice to see him like this, please help.
Hi Lisa,
welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear your brother is facing problems and i understand how difficult it is for close family to know exactly what to do. I have personally suffered from agoraphobia for almost 13 years, and even though I have now made great progress, I've learned many lessons along the way which had i known at the beginning, would have helped me improve far more quickly. I hope some of the points below are helpful...
- When i was first avoiding going out, i also made excuses like your brother. What he is essentially doing is trying to keep himself in a zone where he feels safe and secure. If he doesn't do the tasks he is set by his worker, then he knows he won't improve, and therefore won't have to go out and face the world. Is there something that has happened to start all this off? It sounds as though he may have a social phobia which is turning into agoraphobia? Is there any activities / hobbies he used to love doing? Try using those as a motivator to coax him to go out - almost like a reward for making the effort. A fantastic book to read which explains how to almost "bribe" your mind to do what you want is here:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Chimp-Paradox-Management-Confidence/dp/039916359X It's an excellent read and really helped me to try new things. It also helped those close to me to understand why I was so afraid to try certain things.
- As a supportive person in your brother's life, you can be detrimental to him by not pushing him enough. I say this from experience. There is a fine line for supporting people when it comes to being there for someone, and tough love is often what's required. Looking back, my parents protected me too much and all this did was reinforce everything i was scared of. I am now with a boyfriend who has zero tolerance for anything i feel i can't do. He won't accommodate any of my fears. I found this really difficult to start with, but he is totally doing it for my own good - and it is working. That said, it is important to push him in a non-confrontational way. For example, if he had a task to go to the local shop and didn't want to, try and compromise with him to go half way there instead. Doing that is better than doing nothing. Don't criticise, but firmly and consistantly encourage.
- Make sure he is seeing a counsellor. I'm not sure what you mean by 'his worker'? A Cognative Behavioural Therapist will be able to give him tasks to achieve, but they don't really offer the same emotional support as counselling. A local counsellor would be a neutral person in his life who he can open up to and he won't feel judged. Whatever the underlying issues about his avoidance of going out, he needs to go through these with a professional. I personally believe that cannot be family or a partner, it needs to be someone neutral. You may be invited to attend a session as a family if the counsellor thinks it would be beneficial.
- Relaxation CDs are excellent to use every morning (whether he feels anxious or not). They talk to your subconscious mind and help you get used to be able to relax. Louise Hay does some (have a look on Amazon).
- One of the biggest things about his condition, is that avoidance will make it worse (take it from me!). The longer he avoids going out, the more he is confirming in his head that it is not safe to do so. The earlier he pushes himself, the quicker he will recover. That is hard, but it's true.
- I recently purchased the Charles Linden Method. This is a programme put together from a man who used to suffer with crippling anxiety problems and "cured" himself. For just over £100 you get all the materials you need to follow the programme. It definitely had a positive effect on me. It is totally refundable if it doesn't work within a year and i'm not sure it would work for everyone, but this has been endorsed by a few celebrity names who have used it and got over their panic attacks.
http://www.thelindenmethod.co.uk/ - I asked my old counsellor to write an article on copy with a panic attack for us. I've uploaded it to this message so that your brother can learn all the tools he needs to help fight his anxiety when it occurs. I hope this is helpful.
Essentially, I totally understand the way your brother is thinking. But it sounds though he is not yet ready to try and get over it yet - I didn't have this, I was happy to get to a counsellor for help. It makes me wonder whether there's a bigger issue or something that has happened outside that he is avoiding? My biggest recommendation to get to a stage where he wants to at least try and get out, is to see a counsellor asap.
For you (as a supportive family member) i would recommend to educate yourself a bit about how his mind is currently working (hence the Chimp Paradox book above being a good read),but definitely try and set nice / fun goals of things he used to love to do, with real motivators for him to want to go. And if he feels he can't - compromise - try not to accept a solid 'no'. I know how draining it must be to be positive for him all the time, but trust me when i tell you that being consistant and a bit tough on him now WILL help him in the long run. Doing the same task every day might be really hard for the first week, but it will eventually create a new 'habit' in his mind and start to build his confidence about going out.
I truely hope he improves soon and please keep us updated on how he's doing - or even invite him to join us
Best wishes,
Kelly
