Death or ill health of a loved one

[Jade]

Since I’ve lost someone very close to me to cancer and I really struggled coping. Although i have mostly come to terms with it now I have a crippling fear of losing someone else. I worry terribly about the health of my loved ones and if they get so much of a cough I panic and think it’s something serious. It really effects me and if I ring them and they don't pick up the first time I immediately panic. Does anyone else have a similar problem? It would be helpful to know how you deal with this.

 

[Mark]

I myself have not been in this situation but my heart goes out to you. All I would say is that every second we spend worrying about something out of our control is a second of our life which we will never get back. Maybe focus on what you think the person you lost would want - they wouldn't want their passing stop you living your life.

 

[Jade]

Thank you for your kind words. Your right they wouldn’t want that. I usually try and tell myself I’m being irrational. I find myself experiencing worries more so late or night or really early hours in the morning. Why do you think things always seem to escalate at night.? Do you think it could be that when your the only one up you almost feel you are the only person not sleeping and it can be quite lonely as you know you can’t ring or visit someone for support or company? What do you think? Does anyone else have any other theories why things are worst at night? It seems to be the same when your physically not well too.

 

[Mark]

Personally I think that there is so much going on through the day that there are many things to take your mind off your troubles for even a short while. Night time for me is often a time for reflection on the day or perhaps time to analyse anything on my mind - not always good as we should all go to bed relaxed and happy in a perfect world. Also night time seems to be the most natural time to cuddle up with a loved one?

 

[Alice Ellis]

I lost my mother to cancer when I was fourteen. I will say that it never gets easier, but it does get easier to cope with. At the very least, I think you can rest safe in the knowledge that your anxieties, though over inflated, are rational and logical. It makes perfect sense to be scared of losing loves ones, especially after you have experienced it. So, I would say don't beat yourself up about the anxiety. For me personally, battling it or trying to ignore it usually makes it worse. I try to engage with the fear/anxiety, by understanding where it is coming from, and accepting its presence, whilst also knowing that it is an over exaggerated response. It is your brain trying to protect you, rather than you making a big deal out of nothing. Take a breather when the panic sets in, think about how relieved you always are when they do call back and everything is fine, and then go occupy yourself with something fun/exciting/interesting. And when the person that you are worried about does get back in touch, really revel in that relief. If this anxiety is something which is going to be part of your life, make it a blip, just the smallest of bad times - and make the good stuff/emotions so much better and stronger that they outshine the other stuff. The bottom line is that we all get scared/frustrated/fearful sometimes, but the trick is to make the good feelings so abundant and powerful that they make everything else look trivial in comparison.

 

[Jade]

Thank you Alice very wise and reassuring words. I must say I've read through a few of your posts and you seem to have a very positive attitude and outlook on things, which i find very inspirational. May I ask how you keep such an upbeat attitude on things? Perhaps its just your personality and something that can’t be taught but I’d really appreciate it if you could give some pointers please? I’d love to take a leaf out of your book as I do try and keep positive but I can struggle to do so some of the time.